Misplaced Misgivings of a Confused Adult …

Fade in.

A 30-something aspiring (read failing) writer types away on his laptop as he hears the sound of drums and firecrackers outside. Grumbling under his breath, he gets up and closes the window, peeking out to see what’s happening, as he does. A marriage party, kids and adults alike, dancing to the sound of bawdy film songs as they make their way to the marriage hall.

He comes back to his desk and sits quietly on his chair. Suddenly he has the urge to overthink everything in his life and he decides to give in to this urge. He knows its not the best habit, but he can’t help it. He reaches for his cigarette pack, only to find it empty. ‘Story of my life’, he thinks to himself. Now he can’t even romanticise this overthinking with a cigarette dangling from his lips. Then so be it.

Being a 30-something man in today’s world is not an easy task. The amount of information, about people around you, that is bombarded in your face every minute makes it a very difficult time. On top of that, one fine day you also end up finding information which seemingly escaped you conveniently while everyone else around you is aware of it. This is one of the many realizations he has had in the last few days.

He also decides to think about her. A quick meeting, a long time thinking and planning stuff and then a very short (though definitely not sweet) break up. He realizes that he wasted so much time after something he always knew wasn’t going to be. He realizes it was funny when he never read the signs even when they stared him in the face. But the ever-optimist son-of-a-bitch of his heart, kept egging him on. He reminisces of the many myriad situations he had concocted in his stupid brain and how each one of them never had a logical conclusion. Still, he never gave up, right until the point reality decided to smack him hard across the face, a swift kick to the nuts coupled with a resounding slap to the face. Good time to be alive.

This thought then brings up things he represses for moments just like this. The human brain is an amazing organ/muscle he thinks to himself. Right when he tries to fight off feelings of despair based on recent events, the brain decides to flip the switch on past events too. Sadistic bastard!

He thinks back to all the critical moments from his life and how he had always been the optimistic one (read foolish), even when he knew there was no reason to. Being optimistic that school yard bullies will one day tire out and give up was a mistake. They don’t tire up, instead they add more to their numbers to ensure that the bullying continues uninhibited. He also realizes that it was also foolish to expect that someone will intervene, doesn’t happen. And while he might console himself by saying that standing up to bullying builds character, deep down he knows its all a big lie he is telling himself. Just like the one he told himself for the last few years.

Being optimistic when his loved one was dying was another one in this line of lies he has been telling himself. He thinks back to the time when he thought that things will get better, no one will get hurt or worse. But he also knew that this was not going to happen, still he continued to believe in this lie. But what troubled him more was feeling a sense of relief when it was over, thinking to himself that he managed to overcome that and nothing else will be as difficult. The shame of feeling relieved is one he carries with himself every day, its part of his self now and he knows he will never be able to live without it.

And lastly, he left the worst lie of them all for the last. Being optimistic that he is not alone in the world is quite frankly the best lie he has told himself. This is the one he has believed so deeply that he still can’t bring himself to accept the fact that it’s a lie at the end of the day. Every time there is a remote chance of not being alone, he holds on that chance till the point the silver lining in the clouds is gone and he’s left with dark thunderclouds. He will even lie to himself to keep the hope alive. All for the sake of optimism.

Suddenly he notices a cigarette on the corner of the table and his train of thought is broken. He lights the cigarette and takes a long drag. ‘Better this way’ he thinks to himself.

The loud noises from outside have now subsided, only to be filled with the daily hustle and bustle of the city. He walks up to the window and opens it to let the smoke out, sees a couple whiz past a few people on a bike. He lets out a sigh and walks back to his laptop.

He opens his blog and starts typing again.

Fade out …