Through the Haze

I was a different man when I met her, different from what I am today. I was angry, depressed, suicidal and optimistic, all at the same time, a bad combination I must say.

But she came in my forlorn life as a breath of fresh air, or rather I should say, as a car that backed out of the driveway and slammed right into my car. It was one of those days for me when the day and night just kind of turned into a haze of purple smoke and empty beer cans and I had no idea where I was. It would appear that I was inside a pub nearby drinking my 8^th tequila shot when someone came rushing in and said that my car was in an accident.

I was kind of surprised, considering that I was not at the wheel of said car, but then I still went along, half expecting a mess of a car crash, only because I didn’t bother to read the sign that said “NO DOUBLE PARKING”. This had happened to me before, no big deal, I told myself.

As soon as I stepped out of the pub, the sun hit me in the eyes and I almost retched. But I quickly calmed myself and walked with the guy towards my car. It was then, that I saw her. Standing amidst the rubble of what used to be my car’s door, was the most beautiful creature I had ever set eyes on. She was almost radiant, though it could have been the weed talking. She was most definitely saying something to me, which in my drug and alcohol induced glory, I managed to miss completely. But her lips, man, they were something I can never forget. And those eyes, like two, I don’t know, I am not very poetic, but they were beautiful too.

The only thing I remember was me saying something like “it’s all cool, happens all the time, no worries.”

“I will pay you for the damage Sir; could you please give me your card?”

I think I did give her my card, because, I remember meeting her three days later at my insurance agent’s office where she was apologizing to me for that day again, while I just looked at her face and wondered if I could actually ever find someone like her. The day went by in a whirl, partly because I was not paying much attention to what was going on, as much as I paid attention to her.

I had made up my mind to ask her for coffee. You see, I was optimistic as hell back then, and nothing could stand in my way!

I asked her out and the next day we were sitting in a small café near her home, having coffee and cheese cake. I am personally not a big fan of cheese cake, more of a donut or bear claw guy myself, but she liked it and so we ordered it apparently. Halfway through the meal, I kind of blurted out that I would love to go see a movie with her and she also agreed. I was over the moon and back home, after a combined jam session of alcohol and weed, I actually felt like I was on the moon, with her.

So the next day we went to see some sappy romantic drama, where the guy finally gets the girl and his best friend/sidekick cheers for him, while he still remains single. I never got these movies and so I never liked them either. But we still watched and had popcorn and soda and I was never as happy as that day, with her, in the movie theater. After the movie we had dinner, where she said that she also didn’t like the movie as it was way too romantic for her taste too.

Thank God, I thought, at least she is like me on some aspect.

The rest of the dinner passed away in insignificant conversations, as I told her what I did and she told me that she was studying to be a doctor. I knew right then that she was the woman for me, even though a small voice in my head was telling me that I can never get her. It screamed, “Look at yourself! You are washed out and drunk and you work in a store. You can never get her, wake up!”

But like I said, I was an optimistic fool back then and so I persevered and it eventually worked out. We started going out and on each of those days I would feel like a kid who just got news that school got cancelled. She was amazing in whatever she did. She was like an angel who had come to rescue me and I had no intention of going back to where I came from. I realized that being with her brought out the good in me, however little it might be, and I wanted to be better for her. So I started to change myself, little by little. She never asked me to do that, but I still did. I started a new job, stopped drinking and smoking and decided to generally clean up my act.   

We were happy together. She made me happy, with her soft smile and those eyes of her which seemed to light up whenever she smiled or was thinking something funny. She was so unlike me, but also so much similar to me. She was the best friend I never had and also the person to whom I can open up and cry to when the time came (not that I did!)

But then, one day, it all came to a crashing stop. We started fighting and suddenly she became distant. One day she stopped talking altogether and then one day she was gone. She just left a note that said, “SORRY” and nothing else. I was devastated and the realization that I would never see her again crushed me. I probably ran through the streets for hours until I finally fell down, exhausted, near a dumpster. It rained that day, and as I sat shivering in the rain, I found myself empty and hollow inside. She was gone and there was nothing I could do. I didn’t know her family or her friends and no place where I could go and search for her. And I fell, fell down into the trap I had left long ago. I started drinking again and this time there was nothing stopping me.

It was probably after two months when I got a letter from her. She was sick and didn’t have a lot of days left. She left me because she couldn’t see me sad and she asked me to remember her as she was. There was no address on the letter, nothing to tell me where she had gone. But I realized one thing that I would never honor her memory by being as I was. So, once again, I cleaned my act up, and this time this was for good. And I knew that she was never coming back, but that optimistic part of me just wouldn’t give up and so I still wait for her.

So, like I said, I was a different man when I met her. I was angry, depressed, suicidal and optimistic and today I am not the same man, for I still remain only optimistic that some day she would return, if only in a dream, and tell me that I was a good man for her…